The Australian dilemma

The title gives away the topic of this post, I guess. It’s not the story of what has been going on lately, but a dilemma that I always have to deal with. I thought I was done with it, I thought I had got my head around the fact that Australia is out of reach for the moment. But it looks like I haven’t. There is still a part of me hanging onto that dream of mine, that dream that developed in the past couple of years and that didn’t go anywhere, because I couldn’t achieve it. I thought I had given up and that I was fine with. It seems that I haven’t. 

I love London, I love Queen Mary so much that I can’t believe part of me is still “grieving” Australia. I can’t believe I haven’t got over it. I don’t regret, not even for a single moment, having chosen Queen Mary. I can’t regret it, because the course I am doing is amazing and the people I have met are fantastic as well. Eventually, I even managed to reject the offer of acceptance from UQ three weeks ago: it’s been there, in my email, for a year and I still had two months before I necessarily had to give an answer, but being here had given me the strength to let go of it. So I thought it was over. 

I hadn’t considered another part of the problem though. Do you remember when I was describing the universities I had visited and when I mentioned that QM would allow me to go on an exchange to the University of Melbourne next year? That was my plan, I really wanted to go through with it and spend my second year down under, in a new city, but in the same country I have fallen in love with. Then once I started studying here I gave up that plan for various reasons, including the fact that my parents wish I could stay closer and that I don’t want to have to settle in every single year (I have already moved this year, I would have to do it again and again for the next two). So it was my own decision to say no, to give up on that. I was okay with it, I knew I was doing it for good reasons.

However, last night I broke down. I received an email from an organisation in Queen Mary suggesting a research experience abroad, in Asia, Europe or America, and that got me started. I looked around the internet for possibilities of doing the same, but down in Australia. Eventually, I found my dream option: a 4/6 weeks long research project at University of Queensland, between the end of June and then end of July. I was so happy and excited and I started imagining applying for this!

Then I visited the QMUL website for experiences abroad... and I ended up on the page concerning exchange programs. One things leads to another and in a matter of minutes I was going through all the information about the University of Melbourne, I was adoringly looking at the page that said that QMUL students could study there for six months or a year. My mind started running and I was dreaming again... then I realised what I was doing and I sort of crashed. I unwillingly started crying when the reality of what I had promised hit me well and truly: I promised I wouldn’t go on exchange, I promised I wouldn’t spend my second year abroad. I gave up my dream and, even if I did it for good reasons, the reality of it still weighted on me so much. 

I am so glad that Isabela was there, because she started discussing with me all the possibilities I have and she reminded me that I can still go that summer (well, winter for as far as Australia is concerned) program at UQ. And she is right, she really is. I have a chance to go to UQ, I haven’t truly given up on anything. I am just making a compromise with my parents, I suppose.

After all of this, it might seem that I am unhappy with what I have. I am not. I repeat myself, I don’t regret choosing Queen Mary, I never do. Never, not even when I think of UQ and Australia. I regret to being able to go on a exchange next year, yes, but it would be too complicated if I did that.